A CULL OF PIGS? THERE SHOULD BE A MASSIVE CULL OF DOGS.

Einstein once remarked: “Two things in the universe are infinite in quantity: the universe

and human stupidity and I am not sure about the universe.”

In this country there are now 12 million dogs. Brexit has seen off immigrants from the EU

and we have replaced those invaluable workers (who are now greatly missed from our

economy) with totally useless dogs.

At between 1 and 6 bowel movements per day, those mutts release an estimated 8.4 metric

tonnes of shit per day nationwide, although I swear most of it is dropped in Chislehurst.

As I get towards the end of a litter collection, my sack stinks to high heaven and passers-by

look at me distastefully.

The biggest growth industries are now the breeding of dogs, the selling of dog food, veterinary

care, kennelling and dog-walking.

This morning, 7th October, on the narrow pavement of Royal Parade, there was a hold-up of

pedestrians and baby buggies by a dog walker with no fewer than 4 mutts on leads. These

are now kings of the pavement; one has to divert into the road, in order not to hamper the

royal progress.

Dog-keeping etiquette has gone by the board. Poo-bags are now thrown into the

undergrowth as of old, or left at the edge of the pavement, or placed atop a wall, or stuffed

into street litter bins, causing legitimate litter to spill out on to the ground. Some dog

owners consider it sufficient to have their mutt shit at the edge of the pavement or

woodland footpath; there being no need to pick it up. This is an offence in law, but they

know they will get away with it.

People now working from home have gone in for dogs in a big way, so that they can enjoy

the benefit of walking their pets. The idiots then employ dog-walkers.

Where’s the sense in that?

Don’t bother looking for it; there is no sense in that. The people are barmy.

You see them fondling their mutts like babies. And they expect their dogs to be admitted

into pubs and coffee shops. Before long you will see signs outside restaurants saying: “dogs

welcome”.

Bring me my shield of burning gold. Bring me my arrows of desire and I will spear as many as

possible in protecting England’s green and pleasant land.

I will not hide behind anonymity. I expect a backlash from the army of the barmy. My name

is Colin Yardley and my email address is: darwinc@ntlworld.com

A to Z of Chislehurst greetings cards out now!

 www.johnhemmingclark.com/atozofchislehurst

Chislehurst author's new book out today.

Chislehurst author John Hemming-Clark's new book is out today. The UK's funniest, liveliest & naughtiest young person is back with grown-up (Chislehurst-based) stories - 366 of them - for grown-up kids (and older kids)! Amazon: https://amazon.co.uk/dp/1897864566

THE ADVENTURES OF HORACE HORRISE - Horace lives in Chislehurst!

"The Adventures of Horace Horrise" is a series of nine books about the UK's funniest, liveliest and naughtiest young person. The first four books are already published.
What's more Horace lives in Chislehurst and his adventures are based in and around the area!
They are suitable for grown-up kids and kids alike.
Buy from:
www.inyougo.webeden.co.uk
www.amazon.co.uk (Search for "The Adventures of Horace Horrise")
EBay: https://www.ebay.co.uk/usr/chislehurstsales
















The author is local scout leader John Hemming-Clark
"John Hemming-Clark is the funniest author since Sue Townsend and The Diaries of Adrian Mole!" Facebook review

Bromley Council Tax outstripping inflation by 1230%. OUTRAGEOUS!

Every year Bromley Council Tax outstrips inflation.

For 2016/17 the rise (excluding GLA precept) is 3.99%, outstripping inflation (0.3%) by 1230%.

VILLAGE NEWS TO CLOSE AT THE END OF JANUARY

Despite over 6,000 hits a month, our recent appeal for donations to keep us going through 2015 has resulted as at today with just ONE!

If you love our website, or even if you only find it milding amusing / interesting / useful, please make your donation today.

Without your support we will quietly disappear at the end of January.

Many thanks and a happy Christmas.

Jane & Richard    
 
Pay online here.

www.chislehurstpettswoodandbickleyvillagenews.co.uk

West End coming to Bromley!

On Saturday 17th January 2015 between 10am and 12pm at Ravensbourne School, Hayes Lane, Bromley learn to sing, dance and act with current West End Stars.

Lauren Varnham Performing Arts is holding a free Open Day, inviting children of all ages and abilities from the local community to meet the school's Principle Lauren Varnham and her incredible team.

The school teaches a wide range of dance from street and modern to jazz, tap and ballet. There are group and individual singing and acting classes as well as performing arts workshops. The workshops will incorporate a variety of material and techniques and will include a Frozen workshop as well as West End award winning shows such as Once, We Will Rock You, Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Wicked which will be run by resident and guest teachers and cast members from these magnificent shows.

Lauren Varnham is a current West End leading lady with a wealth of knowledge and experience. She has starred in numerous West End musicals including playing the lead roles in We Will Rock You, Hairspray, High School Musical, Carousel and The Pajama Game.

Lauren recently appeared in Gypsy at the Chichester Festival Theatre with Imelda Staunton, Kevin Whately, Lara Pulver and her former student Georgia Pemberton and is looking forward to rejoining the cast when the show transfers to the Savoy theatre in London's West End in March 2015.

She has been performing for the past two decades since winning the GMTV talent award and has worked with many household names and legends of the West End including Brian Connelly, Ben Elton, Brian May, Sir Richard Eyre, James Corden, Phill Jupitas, Joanna Riding, Peter Polycarpou, Kevin Kennedy, Gary Wilmot and Stephen Mear. She intends to bring to the school some of the stars she has worked with to take classes, workshops and Q & As to impart their vast experience to the students.

Lauren Varnham says, "As current performers the team and I have an immense passion for what we do, and the emphasis and ethos of the school is to ensure each individual gains the same joy of performing we share. For those who want to we will be offering our student's the opportunity to undertake courses and qualifications in their chosen disciplines. 

We also have a close affiliation with a leading London Talent Agency and will be affording our students the opportunity to take part in auditions for professional contracts."

Lauren is currently starring as Dorothy with her dog Ralph playing Toto, in the Chuckles of Oz with the Chuckle Brothers at the Civic Theatre in Darlington. She is looking forward to returning to Bromley to start teaching local children.

To find out more and book your place visit www.lvperformingarts.co.uk

© www.chislehurstpettswoodandbickleyvillagenews.co.uk

Appeal after dog stolen in Chislehurst

Local Police are appealing for witnesses to a burglary where a black Cocker Spaniel dog has been stolen.

The burglary took place overnight between 2nd and 3rd December when the suspect(s) have gone into the garden of the property in The Drive, Chislehurst and stolen the dog.

The dog is a black Cocker Spaniel bitch named "Brooke", and is nearly 10 years old. She has a white patch on her chest, a docked tail and is micro-chipped.

No arrests have been made to date and enquiries continue.

Here at Village News, given the relatively short distance between The Drive and 5th Chislehurst's Scout Hut, we wonder if the main suspect is anything to do with the character that appeared in our last news report.


© www.chislehurstpettswoodandbickleyvillagenews.co.uk

"The" Devil lands in Chislehurst

5th Chislehurst Scouts with Alex and the Devil

Here at Village News, just as red squirrels are kept safe on Brownsea Island, so we thought we would be kept safe on our island from Tasmanian Devils.

Not a bit of it!

Tasmanian scout, seventeen year old Alex Ruut, has forsaken the sunshine back home to come to the UK for his summer holiday. As part of a scouting exchange programme Alex is staying with a local family, doing what they do – including going to school with his hosts’ son, and joining in with what a typical Village News area family gets up to at this time of the year, so plenty of eating, drinking and fighting then. After Christmas he will spend a few days exploring London before returning home in the middle of January.

Alex has already met a number of the local scouts and they have been keen to find out what it’s like to live on the other side of the world. In some respects, Alex told them, it’s very similar. In others, it’s not. When Alex visited the 5^th Chislehurst cubs last week, they couldn’t quite get their heads around having Christmas dinner outside, or never, ever having snow at Christmas, which should make for some unusual Christmas card designs that we don’t often see over here. Certainly no snowmen or frosty country scenes.

Alex brought with him a Tasmanian Devil and has presented it to the scout group as their new mascot which, apparently, they are very excited about. There have been several attempts to take Tassie home already.

5^th Chislehurst Scouts are in the middle of their new Christmas card initiative, see here for more details, whereby they will deliver your local Christmas cards for less than the normal price of a second class stamp.

So if there’s a knock at your door in the coming days and you find a scout standing there with some Christmas cards in one hand and the Devil in another, make sure you choose the Christmas card hand and tip off the scout leaders as to where Tassie was sighted. But do not approach him.

9.12.2014: Village News understands that 5th Chislehurst Explorers have decided to be called "Tasmanian Devils." Seeing that it's taken them over a year to think of a name that most are in agreement with, it would be churlish to criticise their choice. We wonder whether Invicta Chislehurst have a mascot to go with their shiney new hut (see 7th July 2014)? Could anyone enlighten us?

© www.chislehurstpettswoodandbickleyvillagenews.co.uk

Where can you get a glass of wine in Chislehurst for 30p? (Yes it can be done!)

Here at Village News the girls have always enjoyed their beer. Not that nauseating yellow fizz that gives proper lager a bad name. (It is somewhat ironic that a “lager” that goes by the name Fosters, is advertised as a quintessentially Australian lager, when it is not very popular in Australia and is, in fact, brewed in the UK.) Lager belongs in mainland Europe, and if that’s one’s tipple, then that is where one should head. No, our girls are bitter girls, so to speak, and are well served in the Village News area with Courage, Shepherd Neame and Young’s pubs, to name but three.

Imagine their delight, therefore, when here at Village News Towers, we received news of a recently-opened off-licence that was stocking approximately 150 beers from around the world. The corner shop opposite The Bickley, that used to be Unwins, then something else, and is now Chislehurst Wines could be thought of, by someone who hadn’t been inside, as just another off-licence as this someone combines the convenience of food and drink purchases under one roof at Sainsbury’s or Morrisons with F*****s in the beer aisle and loads of wine in the opposite shelves, but nothing much to guide them as to what to purchase, other than price. However, even this could be a false economy. A recent survey by Wotwine organisation found that some supermarkets seemed content  to dump average wines on customers under the guise of bargain deals. Furthermore, most high street supermarkets, including ASDA, Tesco, Sainsbury’s, Co-Op, Morrisons, even Waitrose and M & S, were judged to have more poor value wine than good value wine. The only exceptions were, flavours of the decade, Aldi and Lidl, where good value wine was more in evidence than poor value.

Village News went off to Chislehurst Wines (and Beers) as we’ve been calling it, keen to find out whether it’s possible to get 150 varieties of F*****s. Fortunately, it doesn’t appear that it is. We were greeted by manager Alya, who certainly knows her beers. We started by talking about Raspberry Wheat Beer, brewed by Greenwich’s Meantime Brewing Company. Small, craft breweries have seen a renaissance in recent years, and England, with over 1,000, has the third largest number of breweries in the world, behind only the USA and Germany. We ended up discussing Delirium Tremens, an 8.5% Belgian golden ale that won "Best Beer in the World" in the 2008 World Beer Championships, on the way passing dozens of fabulous beers that we’d never even heard of.

Needing a breather, we stuck our heads inside the humidor, housing some fabulous cigars. We didn’t ask Alya if she was a smoker, but she certainly knew about them all.

We then had a look at the port collection, which was plentiful enough to have its own shop. When it came to vintage port, what do you prefer – 10, 20, 30 or 40 year old? Alya has the lot!

We had the same feeling with the whiskey. 10 year old Glenlivet, 18 year old Glenlivet, or 21 year old Glenlivet. Don’t dare go in and just ask for a bottle of whiskey, ‘cos that’s just the start. David Beckham’s new Haig Club whiskey is also in evidence.

Time for some gin. Village News’ readers will know about Chislehurst’s Dom Limbrey’s D1 London gin. Alya has that in stock. She also has Hendrick’s, Sipsmith, The Botanist, Monkey 47.....

“What about rum?” Havana Club, or the 3 year or the 7 year old. Then there’s the vodka. Alya showed us a bottle of Royal Dragon, which, when shaken in the bottle, stirs up a load of sparkly snowflakes like those Christmas scene toys we’ve all played with, only Royal Dragon’s “snowflakes” are in fact gold flakes!

Thank goodness we had reached the wine! Time for some cheap old plonk – but not a bit of it. Alya took us skilfully through a selection of some of the 600+ wines, guiding us to some of her favourites and answering any questions we had.

ALYA & ROYAL DRAGON

It was then that we really came alive. Not just a “take it or leave it” approach, it was time for some tastings, but not from just a couple of bottles that had been opened days before and were lingering on the shelf. Alya has a wine tasting machine, no less. You buy a wine-tasting card, load it with some cash, put it in a slot on the machine and then get tasting. For each of the 16 bottles or so in the machine (that keeps the wines fresh) you can select a tasting glass for, typically, 30 – 45p, a larger amount for around 60p or even more for 90p or so. This really was a revelation to us. You can be left to get on with

THE MAGNIFICENT WOMAN AND HER TASTING MACHINE

it yourself with the tasting notes, or Alya will help you to decide which ones to try. For the novice and experienced wine-connoisseur alike, it’s a great way to try-before-you-buy. You could go on your own or visit with a group of friends and have a group wine-tasting session. If any reader is stuck for an unusual Christmas present, buy them a Chislehurst Wines’ tasting card.

It’s safe to say, the Village News team was bowled over by its visit. In a time when the supermarkets are falling over themselves to offer the lowest price, it is reassuring to know that in Chislehurst there is a gem of an “off-licence” or, as we’ve now re-re-named it, “Chislehurst Wines, Beers, Whiskeys, Gins, Vodkas, Rums, Ports and Cigars.” However, Chislehurst Wines also has some deals: at present it is offering 3 for £5.50 beers and 30% off selected wines.

Inevitably, whilst we were in the shop a customer old enough to know better walked in and asked for “Four cans of Fosters.”

You can imagine where we thought Alya was going to tell him to go. Fortunately she didn’t.

Chislehurst Wines will soon be joining the Village Card scheme.

See below for some upcoming events.

Chislehurst Wines can be found at 57 Chislehurst Road, Chislehurst, BR7 5NP.

Tel: 020 8467 3528

www.chislehurstwines.co.uk

© www.chislehurstpettswoodandbickleyvillagenews.co.uk